Schluck

Contributor: Rob Harris

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one

The Squid clung to his hips with its eight arms and wrapped its tentacles around his thighs like climbing ivy. It was gorging on his man pipe, suckling him deep into its bowels, so deep that it felt like it warped through space-time into some pleasure dimension outside normal reality. As the squid scoffed on his wong he felt all gooey and sexually clamorific. Its beak, a soft gelatinous substance, was not like a normal squid beak, instead it was like a vagina made of the same material heaven must be made out of, pressing into his abdomen and balls, teasing his organs and sending shock waves of pleasure through him. He orgasmed so hard he went through his dick and deep into those extra-real dimensions within the Squid. There was a sound like a Schluck as he slid through its velvet-heaven mouth, all but his arm, which was popped off as the hole pinched tight like a sphincter.

Inside the Squid, a portly yet cute Asian woman, dressed in ceremonial kimono, was serving tea to a Siamese cat. The cat was sat on a beautifully crafted deep blue cushion that perfectly complimented its dazzling blue eyes set against its dark tanned marten face that was dignified and betrayed a sense of superiority to this sizeable woman. She was knelt before it, offering a tiny dish with milky tea in it. Her head bowed so low her forehead touched the floor. The cat pawed at the dish, as if testing it for some unknown quality. It seemed satisfied and the woman crawled away backwards, never taking her forehead off the floor. There was an odd schluck noise from her palms every time they pulled from the floor. She shuffled backwards all the way out of the strange chamber they were in, which seemed to pulse and contort, protrusions occasionally spurting forth from the organic purplish walls. Once the woman was gone, the cat stood and stretched before lapping some of the tea from the dish. After a few laps the cat licked itself over, spreading the tea across its fur, it spent an inordinate amount of time on its genital region, but seemed to gain no sexual pleasure in doing so. It checked once more to be sure the woman was not within sight, and then spasmodically attempted to lick the front of its neck. It's course tongue shooting out as it pulled its head back and tucked its chin in. Overall the effect was to severely diminish the cat's supposed cool aesthetic. No wonder it had to reinforce its superiority in front of the woman. It was obviously aware of how ridiculous it looked when it spread the tea over its neck and chest.
There's a kimono over there waiting for you Henry. The cat's voice was sing song, enticing, encouraging. Henry found himself picking up the kimono and slipped into it, unsure as to exactly when he learned how to dress himself in oriental formal wear. Henry finalised his outfit, one sleeve hanging uselessly, and turned to face the cat again.
Now you must bow, Henry. Again, Henry found himself fulfilling the request without hesitation. His face touched the floor, it tasted salty.
Very good. Now you must bring me the gift I asked you for. A vague memory ponderously bumped about in Henry's mind for a moment, before evaporating in the face of the feline desire for satisfaction, satisfaction that he knew he could deliver. He turned his head to his left and found a small tea making facility. Initially he attempted to move his missing arm, the remaining shoulder stump wiggled pathetically. It ached like a bitch. It had miraculously cauterised during the transition through the Squid's mouth but a large amount of pain still shot through him whenever he thought of it.
Silly boy Henry. Try again with your other arm. The one you still have. Henry acknowledged the advice and reached for the small tea pot, decorated with strange characters painted in a rich blue ink. He decanted the brown liquid into a shallow dish.
'Do you take sugar?'
Yes. One please Henry. Henry scooped some out of the decorative sugar pot and sprinkled it into the dish. He then picked up a spoon and, using the back of it, proceeded to aid the dissolution of the sugar into the tea. Afterwards he carefully lifted the cup onto a tray placed beside it, and balanced it on his forearm, trying to wedge it between his elbow and wrist. A none too easy task with only that same arm to perform it. Schluck schluck schluck. Slowly, Henry slid across the floor on his knees and elbow, making sure not to spill the tea from the dish. In front of the cat he lowered his forehead to the ground once again. The cat extended a paw lazily, testing the tea.
Very good. Now go. Henry kept his forehead to the floor as he awkwardly scooted backwards. Schluck Schluck Schluck.

two

The earliest memory Miss Teek had was of being dipped into a barrel of hot brown liquid by a hand gripping the scruff of her neck. It scolded her paws and soaked her fur. She kicked and writhed and banshee wailed in an effort to escape the dark oppressing fluid. Her claws were out and found flesh to puncture and tear at. Slicked and running on adrenaline, she managed to escape the grasp of the man and dashed to safety. From the corner she turned to see the man laughing like a drunk, bawling and slapping his thighs. Suddenly he stopped. His face looked menacing and he reached to his groin. He pulled his trousers down and began roughly handling some disgusting looking tube of flesh hanging from his body. His face tensed and his tongue came out, curling around his upper lip as if in concentration. Suddenly he erupted with a roar, and the tube spat hot white pearls across the floor. The man's face relaxed and he looked dazed. Elated even. Miss Teek used the opportunity to run. She didn't know where she was going, only where she was running from.

Sniffing it, it smelled like the sea. Not unpleasant, but salty and sharp. It's skin was purple and covered by soft, silky pimples. Miss Teek instinctively knew it was not harmful, but possessed some untold power. Pawing it, she turned it over and found a small opening that looked like the entrance to a woman, but one crafted from material more delightful than a typical vagina. It looked enticing. Miss Teek found herself nuzzling into the mouth of this purple sack, it seemed to yawn slightly and she slid her face inside.

three

Once outside the chamber Henry was spat back into the real world, landing in a heap in an alley somewhere. Once he recovered his senses he took in his surroundings properly. A mangy dog was eyeing him from behind a bin. He looked behind him and saw the Squid, slightly shrivelled, and his recently liberated arm. He rolled onto his back and began to laugh. His stump ached like crazy again.

The dog edged forward cautiously at first but then gained confidence and began nosing the discarded Squid. The mouth opened slightly and the dog, as if sensing some pheromones got an erection and slid its cock inside. Thirty seconds later and the dog wailed, orgasmed and inverted through its penis into the Squid.

When it emerged again, sanguine fluid hung from its jowls. There were
several small scratches around its eyes and on its nose.
'Henry.' Henry stopped laughing and looked at the dog. 'You should never have trusted that cat. Now, get on all threes.' Henry nodded sullenly and got to his knees and elbow. The dog waltzed up behind him, mounted and plugged away, finally orgasming and inverting into Henry's insides.


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Tie-Dye on the Highway

Contributor: Rob Bliss

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A new generation of them popped up. Sons and daughters of those goddamn hippies I fought in the ‘60s. Still greasy long hairs, welfare bums, pot-smoking degenerates. If I could still get it up, I’d give them free love with a hard fuck. Leave them by the side of the road where their hitchhiking trail ends. But my dick is dead now, after long years of bad use, so I do what I can.
I wouldn’t pick any of them up, wouldn’t touch them. But I watch for them, thumbs out, packs stitched with patches sagging on their skinny ribbone backs, tie-dye shirts flapping in the breeze, full of holes like their liberal minds.
Travel the back roads looking for them. Where traffic doesn’t happen, just gravel trucks heading away from the pit, loggers, transports that can’t slow down, keeping tight to their schedules. Good hard-working men.
The damn things turn when they hear me, arm stretched out, smiling, hair blowing across their drugged eyes. Sometimes a girl and a boy, losing themselves, finding themselves on the backroads of their nation. My nation.
I rev and crash into their cunts and cocks, dead on or sometimes clipping an arm, a leg, a pack. Whip the bodies into the air, over the hood (smacked spiderweb crack in the windshield, easily repaired, call it a deer if the repairman asks), into the deep ditch of weeds and reeds and trickling streams.
Red coloured across the grass green, the bulrush brown, mud black. A thousand dents in my fender, sidewalls, the passenger and driver mirrors long since smacked off by hard hits.
The damage a small price for thinning the herd, their bone bodies rotting in the country ditches for months, years, picked clean by crow and coyote.
Roads where no one stops to take in the scenery, or the beauty of the countryside, the beauty of good, wholesome god-fearing folk.


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I have a degree in English and Writing. I have been, or will be, published in SNM Magazine, Schlock Webzine, microhorror, and Blood Moon Rising.
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God of Lust

Contributor: Rob Bliss

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We created ourselves a god of lust because the religion of our fathers and grandfathers repressed our sexuality since birth. Before our births, for eons. That religion forbade too much – what to eat, how to dress, how to think – it should’ve known some of its adherents would rebel.
We prayed to every pagan god whose name we knew. Chanted and sacrificed to all of them. Then we picked up the girl, drunk and self-drugged, from a night club. Wandering in the parking lot, puking, pissing, wanting to be a whore.
We took her to the cabin. She slept for the ride, awoke on our altar. The gods granted our wish. Transformed her. Vaginas and penises and mouths and milking breasts sprouted across her bloated body. She was sixteen feet tall, fat, couldn’t move off the altar.
We fucked her and were fucked by her. Our members were male and female, gay and straight and bi-sexual. Our god brought us together in her hosted orgies, flesh snaking across flesh in a writhing mass. Her lust was more insatiable than ours. We grew tired; she never did. She was a beautiful carnal demon. We had made her what she was. We had given her purpose to her worthless life. She thanked us. But every god demands more and more.
Now we hunt the city and the small towns for her. She tells us what to get. Sometimes she wants only girls, so we get her girls. Sometimes grandfathers. Other times only black, then Asian, then only men with cocks ten inches or more. A difficult task, but our god must be appeased. And, naturally, for weeks she wants only virgins, of any age.
We satisfy her whims. We grow tired, exhausted. Satisfying a god of lust consumes the mortal body and soul. We should’ve known. Like every human being, sacred or profane, we created our own demon, and spend our lives satiating her demands.


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I have a degree in English and Writing. My stories have been, or will be, published in Pulp Metal Magazine, Schlock Webzine, microhorror, 69 Flavours of Paranoia, and Blood Moon Rising Magazine.
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A PERVERSE PROPOSITION FOR JENNY JELLY-BUTT

Contributor: Joshua Dobson

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"Your ass is fuckin' beautiful," I tell Jenny the stripper as she claps her gelatinous cheeks against one another a few inches in front of my face.
"It's too big," Jenny Jellybutt says in her high-pitched nasal voice while reaching back to smack her ass. The gunshot crack is audible over the industrial music blaring from the sound system. The impact of her hand unleashes ripples that jiggle across her bountiful butt cheeks.
"No such thing as too big when it comes to ass. And anyways people are too hung up on size, shape is far more important than size and your ass is perfectly formed," I tell her as she flexes her gluteal muscles making her cheeks bounce and shimmy.
"Glad you like it, but don't get too attached, its days are numbered," she says.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I've saved up almost half the liposuction money," she says.
I could almost cry.
"Bl-ass-phemy! Like pouring ass-id on a Pic-ass-o," I exclaim a little too fervently. The thought of the world losing such a gorgeous ass almost drives a stake through the heart of my boner. Then the hamster in my brain starts double timing around the wheel and an exceedingly perverse notion inflates my wiener anew.
"Perhaps I could help," I tell Jenny the stripper as she grinds her big butyraceous butt against my boner.
She turns around and shoots me a quizzical look.
"I could give you the rest of the money, but . . ."
Her expression goes from inquisitive to wary as she fondles her fake tits and continues dry humping me.
". . . but I get to keep all the fat they suck out," I say, licking my lips as if I can already taste the ice cold liposuction milkshake I'm gonna make out of Jenny's butt-fat . . . if she agrees.
She freezes mid dry hump and stares at me like I'm a pubic hair she just found in her macaroni salad. My mouth waters and the Final Jeopardy music ding dong ding dong ding dong dings through my head while I await her reply.


- - -
Joshua Dobson likes to make his own fun.
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Shuffle

Contributor: Liam Lawrence

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The promise is always the same.

If anyone wants to get to know you – to truly know you – they have to accept the fact that you are a fake. You are a phony, a liar, a cheat.

And you can’t help but tell them about your sins.

And by ‘you’, I mean ‘I,’ and by ‘I,’ I mean ‘me,’ or ‘he,’ or whatever works best at distancing myself from my own wrong-doings and makes you – as in ‘yourself’ – feel most uncomfortable.

It wasn’t until I was in the sixth grade that I realized there was nothing in the sewers – no clowns waiting to pull me down whenever I dropped my pants in the bathroom to go #2 - and by #2 I mean shit; no colossal alligators that had been flushed.

Nothing.

It might have been later than sixth grade, I can’t remember, but who wants to admit that there was no reason for their mom to accompany them to the bathroom up until that point because there was nothing to fear? Then ghosts became more prevalent in movies and I couldn’t go upstairs without a light on.

Then, it wasn’t until I was almost through with elementary school that I discovered masturbation doesn’t mean there's something wrong with me. Everybody does it. They just also happen to realize, however, that masturbating doesn’t mean you’re no longer a virgin.

I didn’t learn that until the third or fourth grade.

Probably fourth.

And it wasn’t until the seventh grade I learned the proper spelling of “cum” was “come,” and that the other, more notable way, to write it out was just crude slang, like referring to “poop” as “shit.”

It was freshman year of high school when I realized I had a habit of saying things without thinking them over first. Too long and I risked over-statement; too brief and it became a jumbled mess that wasn't entirely beyond comprehension but might as well have been.

I like short girls – girls in the 5’0” to 5’5” range – but when I told that to a group of people for the first time, it came out “I like little girls.”

I was eleven when I finally learned the meaning of the phrase “to get laid.” I knew it had to do with sex, but I’d always thought it meant “to get laid on a bed,” or something like that.

I was five, and this man attempted to abduct me. I was staring at the comic books in a store, and he approached me and said he had all of them in his car, and would I like to go see them.

But I was already seeing them right there, what was so different about the ones in his car?

I told him I had to go ask my mom first, and left to find her. When I went back, he was gone. I never said anything about it until I was seventeen or eighteen, maybe a little younger.

I was still in kindergarten – probably, hopefully – when we went by plane to visit my grandma in New York. And I saw someone with earplugs and didn’t know what they were, but decided to improvise and put chewing gum in my ears and ended up picking bits and pieces out the entire time we were there.

And it was when I was three I put a French fry up my nose and it got stuck.

I was eighteen years old the first time a girl gave me a hand job, which was also the first time I got a blow job, which – consequently – was the first time a girl made me come (cum?). But that was because of the former, not the latter, since her blow jobs were the equivalent to putting my dick through a tube of used, dry toothbrushes.

The first hand job resulted in a raw spot, because I couldn’t get hard; the second made me laugh because her continued stroking after I’d already came tickled. One of the later times was the first – and last – time a girl ever farted on my hand while I was fingering her from behind.

I only stayed with her because she knew how to get me off.

She thought we were in love.

From nineteen to twenty years old, I became obsessive over the girls I was interested in - so much so that I couldn’t stop sending text messages, pouring my heart out, pleading my case and hoping they would finally give me a chance, though in retrospect I now see there was never a reason for them to ever do so.

I was twenty-one when I finally got over it and stopped.

I was three or four when my possible prejudices of race were corrected. We were at a red light, there was a black man in the car next to us, and I said “I don’t like black people,” and my Mom said “But Winston is black, and you like him” – Winston being one of the Ghost Busters – and, after mulling this over briefly, quipped “Okay… I like black people.”

Up until high school, I opted never to use the words “god damn,” preferring instead to abbreviate it to “G.D.” if I came across it in a book, so as not to offend anyone, especially the God referred to in “god damn.” Once I was in high school, all religious notions of mine were shot to hell. So, to make up for lost time: god damn, god damn, god damn, etc. so forth.

I was a senior in high school when I received my confirmation into the church. Afterward, my girlfriend jerked me off while my parents were downstairs.

Sometimes I think there is a little bit of a devil behind my smile.

I was thirteen and fat and pimply and quiet and weird, and I was thrown into middle school amidst seventh and eighth grade girls - girls who were hitting puberty and getting breasts and developing figures, and those girls – combined with my overwhelming hormones – meant that, when I wasn’t paying attention in class, I was thinking about fucking every single one of them.

It was after school on a Friday, when my mom would pick me and my girlfriend up from school, and she (my girlfriend, not my mom – that’s sick) wouldn’t let me come in her mouth, so I went on the floor in my bedroom and cleaned it up with a Santa Claus hat, and later my brother came into the room and put the hat on and danced around, and I was laughing too hard for the wrong reasons to tell him the truth.

I probably wouldn’t have either way.

At seventeen years old I tried to kill myself at a friend’s house by using the sharp point on my house key to slit my wrist, but it wouldn’t break the skin.

After that I just gave up altogether.

I don’t remember how old I was when I became obsessed with anal sex. I was fascinated; I just never knew you could put it in there.

But my friend’s brother was convinced that anal sex – even when it’s with a girl – means a person is gay, and I wanted him to like me so I tried to stop liking the idea of it; I didn’t/don’t have a problem with gay people.

But it wasn’t until I had a dream about anal sex with a porn star and woke up and my dick burned that I finally lost interest.

I was seventeen when my Mom asked if I knew what a “pearl necklace” was – in regard to that song – but I’d always thought it was just about a girl who wanted expensive jewelry.

I was twenty-two when she asked if I knew what a “camel toe” was.

I threw a football at her to change the subject.

I still don’t believe I’m a fully-actualized person. I’m constantly comparing myself to everyone else, attempting to put myself into their skin – to try and become them, to some extent –, in hopes that in a bizarre way, I’ll be able to successfully transfer and live out the rest of my life within the confines of their persona.

Being me is just too boring.

I was/you were/he was twenty-three years old when I/you/he felt it was time to make these confessions. But it’s because of these confessions that I don’t even know who I am anymore… who I was then… who I am now…

And the promise is always the same.

If anyone wants to get to know me – to truly know me – they have to accept the fact that I am a fake. I am a phony, a liar, a cheat.

Because I can’t help but tell everyone about my sins.


- - -
Liam Lawrence is a graduate of Texas Tech University, with a degree in Creative Writing. His work has been featured in the Harbinger Literary Journal. He calls Texas home.
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MUSCLES IN A CAN AND THE MEMORY VACUUM

Contributor: Robert E. Petras

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Guess you could pretty much say I look like a nerd with my greasy, cowlicked brown hair and my habit of picking my nose. Because one of my eyes is green, the other brown doesn’t help, either. The buttoned collar on my sports shirt and the masking tape encircling the bridge of my black glasses I put on for effect. I am especially strong for someone being a skinny 145 pounds.
I am an inventor. When I go out, I take some of my inventions with me, like my latest—alcohol power bars and the memory vacuum cleaner—inside a Kelly green backpack with white peace symbols dotting every side. So maybe I am a nerd, but I like to drink and can hold more alcohol than anyone I know, thanks to munching a power bar or two.
Already half-drunk, I was sitting at the end of this T-town bar called the Broken Mirror Café, mining my own boogers, when this hulk of a fellow wearing camouflaged sweats and a matching Caterpillar ball cap sidled next to me. He held a can of Bush in one hand and a Styrofoam spit cup in the other.
“I don’t like your looks,” he said to me.
“I don’t like your underpants,” I said to him.
“You can’t see my underpants,” he said.
“I can’t see them, but I can smell them.”
“Them’s fightin’ words where I come from.”
“You don’t want to mess with me,” I said. “You had better stand clear of this bar.”
But he didn’t.
So I squatted at the corner of the bar and bear-hugged it the best I could and then hoisted that heavy oaken bar—all thirty feet of it—overhead, canting it so that the table top at the far end touched the ceiling, the near end, nose-level with Camou-dude. Beer mugs, bottles, cans, margaritas, Jack and Cokes, wine goblets, brandy snifters—all came sliding down, conking Camou-dude right on the forehead, until the last, a fuzzy navel, knocked him out, right into a coma.
I couldn’t place the bar to its original setting because I had wrenched out floorboards and joists, leaving a three-by-30-foot hole in the floor. So people sitting at the table along the wall where they ate wings and other greasy fried bar foods scooted their chairs and tables away to make enough room for me to set the bar against the wall.
“How did you do such a stunt?” people were asking, all except Camou-dude, who remained unconscious despite the bartender’s pouring a full mug of draft beer on his face.
“The more I drink, the stronger I become,” I replied.
“How much have you drank so far?” they asked.
I held up a half-can of Yuengling. “About 16 and a half.”
“I want to be strong like you,” they all said.
I didn’t give them any alcohol power bars, but I toasted to their mental health.
So we drank and drank Yuengling Beer around a gaping hole in the floor, not saying much, just staring at a dark basement twelve feet below, only me becoming any stronger. Two big country boys did decide to test any new strength they might have gained by arm wrestling each other. One by one, all the patrons of the Broken Mirror and the bar tender passed out, including the arm wrestlers, slumped upon the table, their hands still clasped together.
I slid off my backpack and took out the memory vacuum cleaner. It could absorb any form of light, including abstract images, memories and even dreams. It looked like an ordinary handheld gray hairdryer, but this shape was only a deception because inside was a miniature particle accelerator that spun upon a platform that additionally spun 10,000 revolutions per minute, causing the memory eater device to create a light vacuum so strong not even the image of a black hole could escape, and then once drawn these forms of light could pass through skulls into the intake of the memory vacuum through the exhaust right into another person’s brain
So I took some memories, like the first time this middle-aged banker made love and the only home run this truck driver had hit in Little League. That car accident that killed this mean lady’s baby sister, I took, too. I shouldn’t have taken them. But I was drunk.
After the night of my stunt, I guess business at the Broken Mirror really picked up. The bar owner tossed Camou-dude down the hole into the cellar, and patrons spit snuff and tobacco juice on him. I heard they had some kind of contest in which everybody anted up ten dollars to see whose spit could awaken him from the coma, winner taking all. I learned the Broken Mirror sold as much snuff and chew as it did drinks.

I shouldn’t have done it, but I was already starting on my second case of beer, my brain filled with other peoples’ memories, when I strayed into this biker’s bar called Hog Heaven. Naturally, I’m not inside the bar more than five minutes, two-fisted with cans of Yuengling, when a big, bad biker fellow called the Defenestrater waddles over to me.
“You ain’t got the privilege to drink in this bar unless you pass the ritual,” the Denfenestrater said to me.
“And what might that be?” I asked.
“Me and the gang take you outside and piss on you.”
“What is the alternative?”
The Defenestrater thumbed over his shoulder toward the big picture window with blinking red neon Budweiser lights. “I throw you through that window.”
“I do not think so,” I said, emphasizing every word. Then I promptly punched the cheap wood-paneled wall behind him, pulverizing panels, plaster, two-by-fours, even wiring as though God’s wrecking ball had swung into it.
Exposed completely was the dressing room of the gentleman’s club next door. The strippers inside were fully clothed and demanded tips.
“How did you do that?” biker dudes and biker chicks asked me.
“Muscles in a can,” I replied.
I toasted their mental health and then we all sat around the biker bar, drinking Yuengling, staring at strippers parading in their street clothes, until one by one everybody except me passed out.
I vacuumed more memories, like a biker’s initiation into a motorcycle gang and a biker chick’s wedding dance. That biker’s molestation as a child by a priest, I took, too. I extracted this biker dude’s recurring nightmare of rattlesnakes biting him. I shouldn’t have taken them. But I was drunk.
Business at Hog Heaven, I heard, picked up after my wall-smashing incident. Bikers from all over came to watch strippers parade around in their street clothes. I guess bikers are good tippers.
I continued going to more bars in T-town and even a few down the road in B-ville. I began to notice my strength and beer consumption gradually fading until I was reduced to juggling full kegs of beer, then to hop scotching across spinning bar stools and finally to basic push-ups. Every time I vacuumed memories I shouldn’t have taken; nobody seemed to mind because business was so good.
Hearing the Broken Mirror’s business plummeted, I returned to see whether I could help. I was already half-drunk on two Yuenglings when I saw a revived Camou-dude sitting at his regular seat next to the hole where the bar once stood. He was even more camouflaged with all that dried brown tobacco juice splattered all over his face and neck. I guess his wife had spit the winner, a Prince Charming sort of thing in reverse, giving the happy couple 2,120 dollars of Bush and wings money.
Camou-dude sidled next to me. “I don’t like your looks,” he said.
“I don’t like your underpants,” I replied.
“ I ain’t wearin’ none,” he said and then beat me up, took my wallet and tossed me down the hole, backpack and all, fortunately my hands and knees breaking the fall.

I could tell business at the Broken Mirror had really picked up by all those beer bottles raining upon me twelve feet below the hole in the floor where a perfectly good three-by-30-foot oaken bar once stood. These bottles didn’t hurt much, not empties anyway. It was pretty good exercise dodging all those bottles and tobacco spit.
Every once in a while, I would become brave enough to stand in the middle of the hole just to glimpse who was having all that fun. There they were, hovering high above me, arms cocked and lips puckered: Camo-dude and the Mrs., the Defenestrater and all his biker friends, and all the strippers from the gentleman’s club, wearing Sunday clothes and bonnets yet, and a bunch of other folks, too.
I guess they had some kind of contest to see who could conk me on the noggin the hardest. But those empty beer bottles didn’t sting much more than tobacco spit to the eyes.
Then they started heaving Yuenglings, first half-full bottles and later full ones, and by the third day I had stored enough Yuengling to get good and drunk and consumed my last alcohol power bar and leaped up through that hole in the floor, onto the bar, right between two country boys arm wrestling.
“How did you do that?” a bunch of people asked.
“Muscles in a can,” I told them while grabbing a Yuengling from the bar.
Of course, they wanted muscles in a can, too. This time, I toasted to my mental health, and we drank and drank until they passed out one by one, including Camou-dude, who could really hold his Bush Beer. He crashed face first right into his foam spit cup full of tobacco juice.
I hoisted that three-by-30-foot oaken bar up again and slanted it over the hole in the floor so that it would not fall into the basement. Except for a couple of gaps in the floor at both ends of the bar and a few cracks in the wooden floor boards, you would never have known some skinny nerdy-looking guy had once ripped that bar completely from its moorings.
Then I took out my memory vacuum and returned their dreams and memories, like this biker’s fantasy to become to be president of Hell’s Angels, and this stripper’s fantasy to become a Rockette. Camou Dude’s fantasy of beating up his step daddy for all those belt whippings he absorbed as a boy—I took too. I couldn’t help myself; I was drunk.


- - -
Robert E. Petras is a previous contributor to Razor Dildo. His work has also appeared in State of the Imagination, Speech Bubble and Death Head Grin.
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Extravagant Picnic, Jerry!

Contributor: Barb Folger

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Homoerotic baloney laid sexily over aching, spread-eagle bread: and breakfast? Forget about that meal for the rest of your life. Chilled was the syrup: and it poured languidly, lazily, down a long, velvety trough of green plastic which could be guided over plates and silverware. The shade was intoxicating, a haven for barren women who had absolutely nothing holding them back from the hottest peaks of self-indulgence with a field of strangers.

“I have been alerted to certain technical difficulties going on with my chauffeur, Mr. Andy Canglemeyer, which have forced me to exert myself on other duties.” Her lies sizzled on the April wind like a naughty child baking in the oven, and the challenging hands that reached out to grab her by her gingham dress were bejeweled with elegant gems from the whole world over.

The reverberating laughter of the senile hostess filled the racquet-ball court at the end of the sidewalk, meanwhile grills burned platefuls of pickled gourds like incense as the chefs passed around a bottle of Jack Daniels underneath a chestnut tree. Heated political discussion belched forth from two elderly men in double-breasted gray suits, and they tossed tiny cups of gravy at each other from a well-stocked silver plate placed between them. The mess on each man’s lap and shirt-front sent up that tangy sausage smell in waves of circulating steam, caught by the wind and carried halfway to Bermuda where our next life awaits us.

Shells of bird-shot were carefully opened and then emptied into the waiting hands of thirsty children. Then they were cursed and sent back to their table on the other hillside, all in the same fashion: “Go pray to your lord, you imbecile!” Then a joyous pistol blast would kiss the sky, and everyone in sight would be hopping on one foot. The time was kept not on a clock or with a metronome, but by a platoon of hermit crabs timidly crossing the surface of a shuffleboard doused with cream and oil. People who tried to leave early were refused: people who arrived with bedding underarm were sent to bed immediately, forced to remain within earshot of the evening’s reverie until they finally went to sleep.

It was that crowd who fell in between those two types–those who were not quite guests and not quite staff, and weighing a very certain amount of kilograms as well, who tasted a bliss far better than that which is given by my large vibrator (shaped like a silo–with a little farm scene etched around the heavy base where the nine volt battery goes in). Yes, these lucky fools stripped to the bone and were offered shots of tequila by the butlers; they were then arranged by name on the rickety wood of some homemade stands like those around a softball field; and then without warning, they were sprayed with Dayquil and dusted from above with cocaine. Each was given fifty dollars, but asked to smell the bill first and see if its odor satisfied the recipient.


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Barb Folger was born in Calcutta in 1932. Now retired from the civil service, she spends her time writing stories which are edited by her grandson Dennis. She lives in New Orleans and hosts the Thursday morning "Coffee Splatch" at the Latter Branch Library.
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30 Some Odd Years Of Fucking Up

Contributor: Jay Levon

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who did this to me, who made me
this way, i didn't start the fire but
i let the motherfucker burn, now
that i'm nearing ashes, it's time to
dance in the rain, and listen to the
sizzle as god's tears (or angel's piss)
extinguish the tiny flames that have
licked at my soul since birth.

i've drank the devils semen for long
enough, i'm tired of being hell's own
whore, a supernatural cocksucker,
time to put on my sunday best, wear
the white hat for awhile, drink the
kool-aid of the shiny happy people,
after 30 some odd years of fucking
up, it's time for a new approach.


- - -
Jay was born in the Ozark Mountains to a family of dirt farmers, musicians, preachers, and other such miscreants. He now lives in Mountain Home, Arkansas with a latex she-bot named Lola, and the occasional dead hooker.
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XXIX

Contributor: The Anonymous College Guy

- -
Over there I see an angry fat man
The world hates you fat man
But that doesn't mean you should hate it back
I don't feel sympathy for you

Who I do feel for is that girl with him
That perfectly disgusting girl
The world hates you too
And no one will ever love you

She burrows through his rolls
Trying to find something
She does, and tries to suck the love from it
That love she has been denied her whole life
Instead, she gets a mouth full of semen and a "Damn,
You're good at blow jobs."


- - -
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The Withdrawal Method

Contributor: Sam Gem

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I made love to a woman who I thought beautiful even if she didn't. After two teasy months, because I move slow and am cursed as a sensitive man, we started having sex that wasn't just sex even though she tried to keep it that way, the best sex we ever had and gave, and I went down on her and worked my jaw like a Chinese curler practicing for the Olympics until it felt like it wasn't there and gave her her first orgasm, which was quite an accomplishment, because it took two weeks of attentive sex every night after we had been flirting for a whole summer just to get her to be that comfortable with me. What I didn't know then was that this girl fucked a lot of men and had left a litter of broken hearts behind her and had separated sex and love with a butchers efficiency, and I was a fool because I fell in love with this woman and took the time to try to please her and make her happy instead of just fucking her. And even after I knew this I still tried to save her with love which was the worst thing I could've done because her perception of love was warped. The sex was so natural and organic and raw that wearing a condom was like trying to fuck around a hot air balloon and I convinced her to fuck without it, because I was a man who could control himself, even when every neuron in a man's cerebellum is firing THRUST! at the moment of orgasm, I told her I could pull out and she trusted me and I did. And she even said she loved me after I said it on one of those candle-lit lusty nights and I thought it was real because she could hardly get it out of her mouth and when she finally did after trying a few times it was a garbled mess. After this she started to ignore me and I know now she was fighting like a cornered animal and running like I was trying to chain and cage her because that's what intimacy felt like to her. Finally she hated me fiercely because there was love, it wasn't just sex and it was so obvious and so dangerous, and she became even more promiscuous just to get me out of her mind and forget that she had come so close to potentially being hurt. And two months later this woman was pregnant by another man because she trusted him to do the same thing, to pull out, like our sex wasn't special, like I wasn't special, and I didn't leave my bed for 12 days.


- - -
Sam Gem resides in upstate New York. He writes flash fiction, short stories, and maybe a novel someday. He has a degree in Psychology, procured mostly to try and figure out what the hell happened to him.
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