Lady Pains

Contributor: Kyle Yadlosky

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“Just let me out, baby,” my girlfriend, Trisha’s voice drifts from the bathroom. “I think I’m late.”
My back is pressed against the door so she can’t escape, legs squared. “No, no,” I say. “Let’s not call it, yet. It just hit midnight.”
“Come on. Let me out. You know nothing bad’s gonna happen.”
“That’s the demon talking.”
Through the door, I hear her sit on the toilet. She sighs into her hands.
“You might wanna take off your panties,” I suggest.
She huffs at that. Then, her breathing shakes, breaking into sobs. She hicks and gasps, and I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say anything. Shattered breaths piece together out of her mouth. She sobs and wails in low tones. Then, the crying turns to panting, then laughing. Then, she cackles. The cackling rises, cut by quick inhales. She screeches toward the door, loud and constant. The sink, tub, and toilet start to vibrate. The pipes rattle.
I step back.
Then, with a thump, everything stops still, quiet.
It’s day one.
Some women have heavy flows, others low. Men, we don’t try to understand. We just endure. And the women suffer. Lady pains—their bleeding, changing personalities—it’s demonic possession. Every woman has a little demon burrowed inside her vagina.
On day one, the blood pours. I press a towel under the bathroom door. Deep, straining moans rumble from Trisha’s throat. The toilet vibrates lightly. Blood drips steadily. It flows onto the floor, where it splashes and pools. I pray it doesn’t leak into our downstairs neighbor’s apartment. I pray the floor doesn’t cave in. The blood drains from her until she turns blue.
I can hear a tide forming. Blood splashes on top of itself with nowhere to go. Trisha groans once, desperate and low, and she kicks. Her foot splashes the blood, which streams and slams into the door. It soaks straight through the towel with enough force to push it out. Blood seeps into the walkway, and my hands stain red from touching it.
I grab a mop and bucket and begin to work. I sop up all the blood I can as my girl moans and groans, bleeding a river, from behind the door. I fill my mop, and I twist the red fluid into the bucket. I fill the bucket, and I get another. By the time she’s done, I’ve filled four. It’s about eight pm. I haven’t slept since midnight.
I lift the four buckets, two in each hand, and shove aside the bathroom door. The stench strikes me first—gagging, so thick you can taste copper. The floor is soaked in a straight red streak. I dump the buckets in the bathtub and mop the bathroom floor. I use straight long swipes, using cleaner, making sure not to leave a drop behind. I use a towel and surface cleaner to wipe up the thick candy-cane stripe running down the toilet. I lift Trisha’s legs. She twitches and grunts against me. I wipe the toilet seat. I flush the toilet, clean out anything sticking to the bowl. Trisha didn’t remove her panties. I peel them off, toss them in the bathtub, and clean her up. Then, I wash my hands and toss the towel I use to dry them in the tub, along with the towel from under the door. I turn the lock on the inside of the bathroom door and step out, shutting it behind me.
Then, I wait.
On day two, it forms. You can hear it crooning in the bathtub, sloshing in itself, feeding off itself. Soon the tub will be clean, drained of every speck of blood. I hear it peeling its congealed body from the porcelain. It opens its mouth and roars. It’s a demon born of Trisha’s blood. Its voice is a synthesized croon. “What am I doing in here?” it shouts. “Why did you put me in here? Am I too ugly? Do you not want to see me? Why don’t you want to see me!”
It screeches and throws itself against the door. The hinges rattle, knob shakes. I start to dawn my equipment.
The first time I battled her demon, I was unprepared. I didn’t mop, and when it formed the blood swirled into a torrent and destroyed my cupboards, stained my counter, even shattered upward through the coffee table to form its demon in the center of my living room. One errant drop can become a bullet.
I’ve moved from that apartment since.
On the start of day three I’m exhausted, heavy pads of hockey gear weighing me down, helmet on tight, axe at the ready. The bathroom door is cracking, the white paint peeling. The demon’s voice pierces through. “Why don’t you love me? Let me out! Don’t you care? I’m in so much pain!”
I sit on the couch, axe across my legs, and my head slumps, eyes close. I can get an hour of shut-eye before the door shatters.
Day four comes in a warm shower of vaginal blood. I sweep my axe through the demon’s body, and it sprays the hot fluid. It stumbles backward, cackling. “Is that it? You never penetrate me deep enough! I guess swinging by yourself all your life hasn’t helped!” It cackles again, loud enough that the downstairs neighbor pounds on his roof.
“Shut the hell up!” he yells.
I swing again, straight for the demon’s mouth.
Trisha’s lady pains started when she was just a girl. She went into the house on every block that no one is supposed to go into—that haunted house. All the kids said a witch lived there. They were right. Trisha broke in one night on a dare. She tried to hide, but the witch found her. She was ten, just starting to spot. The witch smelled it on Trisha, and she cursed the little girl. She cursed that Trisha’s inner demon would claw its way out of her body every month, and that it would never stop, and she would have no control over what it did.
Her family threw her in a deep hole dug in the backyard every month until the demon passed. She’d run away by fourteen.
She’s tried taking pills and using the ring and everything to stop her periods, but nothing works. It only intensifies the demon’s rage. She said she was almost bled to death when she started taking the pills. When she had the ring, the demon tore it out of her body. Doctors around the world have study her and her symptoms. There’s no answer, no cure—
Just like all lady pains.
Day five hurts. The demon has my helmet off, claws scraping under my hair. It screeches, “I wanted to see my mother! Why did you keep me here! Why do you force me to stay here with you!” Her mother’s birthday was last week. I had work; I couldn’t make it. She didn’t want to drive down alone. I told her she could go. The demon never remembers things as they happen.
I yell in pain as it draws blood from my scalp. I pry the demon away with the handle axe’s handle. The blade has since torn off, trapped inside the demon. The demon’s reeling and screaming. “Why did you kill my cat!”
Her cat broke its neck jumping from a tree. I was with her when the veterinarian put it down.
“You never tell me how you feel! I tell you everything, but you never say a word!”
I know it’s best not to talk to the demon. If it can’t think of a new attack, it starts to get dizzy, mutter. I might be able to knock it off balance, stab it to death with a kitchen knife, end this early.
“You think I’m fat and ugly, and you can’t stand me! Look at me! Look at me! You can’t stand me!” I lock eyes with the black orbs on its crimson face. Its forehead is an alien’s. Its mouth is a black hole. Its body is sticking strands of putrid blood. It has no fingers or toes. It’s amorphous, shifting slightly with every second. Where it walks it bleeds, and its words are poison. “Don’t you think I’m beautiful?”
No. But I don’t say that.
“Don’t you think I—I...” it stops and stares at the wall. “Don’t you think...” This is it, my moment. I slip a kitchen knife slowly from our cutting block without attracting attention, and, when I have it in my hand, I lunge.
The demon doesn’t screech. It doesn’t protest. It just dies without knowing what happened.
It’s day six. I’ve slept three hours all week. Now, I’m dragging this mess of dry blood back into the bathroom. Trisha’s blue fingers hang limp at her sides, head down. Her mouth is open. I drop the demon on the ground in front of her. I spread Trisha’s legs. Then, I press the demon head-first against the lips of her vagina. I force the head against her hole, and it stretches.
Trisha gasps, tensing and clawing against the bottom of the toilet bowl. I force the demon in down to its neck. Trisha’s skin starts to color off-white. Then, I steady my feet on the floor and push with my legs to shove the shoulders through her hole. At that she screams, and her body bucks backward. She’s twitching and moaning. Her skin’s going to pink. I take a breath and prepare myself for another push.
The worst is over.
When she told me about her lady pains we were eating. We had been dating for almost a year, and once every month she’d go on a trip to a cabin that she bought, no more than a rundown shack. She’d pass out and let her demon go mad where no one could hear it, out there. Then, when it’d finally pass out, she’d have to force herself from her stupor, weak and drained, and drag her body across splintered wood to shove the demon back in, herself.
No matter how many times she told me she was serious, I thought she was joking. I went with it, though, and now I stay with it. I don’t know what else to say, other than that I really like this girl.
On the seventh day, my girl is back to me. She’s holding me, crying, shaking. She smells awful, like stale blood. She’ll wash as soon as her legs get the strength. That’s when I’ll sleep.
“I’m sorry,” she weeps into my shoulder. “I’m so, so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” I say into her ear. “It’s all right. It’s all right. It’s not your fault.”
It’s just lady pains.


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Enigma Variations

Contributor: George Sparling

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I’m Ted Black and that voice, a surveillance technique, as if thrown by a ventriloquist’s between my apartment’s walls, down my toilet, into my food, shoes, sheets, between my toes, between my teeth while I floss, beneath my feet as I walk, under my flesh, down my throat, into my spleen and prefrontal cortex; as yet I can’t shake it loose, that metallic, asexual digitalized voice as I saunter crosswalks, and traffic, it reverberates off bumpers, infinitely repeating that three-word phrase, “Ted Black’s Shit”; this isn’t a common auditory hallucination, today I get off my butt and refuse to rot anymore, listening to the voice’s taunt. I’ll hunt it down and send it to hell so it’ll never say, “Ted Black’s Shit” except to the devil below.

It’s real, I should know: I read Wired magazine, DARPA ( Defense Advances Research Projects Agency ) is always onto inconceivable yet, very often, pragmatic mind-destroying torture.

I want my life back. I’m familiar with search and destroy missions but this human concocted sound effect engendered by a puke needs to be wiped off the town’s census records, you know, killed; it’s on the map, this town, its citizens hysterical and loathsome; I’ll get you yet, I have the means, a black and sharp machete in my backpack, they’ll be one less terrorist, though all the town’s citizens bear the crime that undermines my confidence and shatters my personhood, one massacred town folk is as good as another to stop that automatic noise machine.

I walk through residential neighborhoods; I hear you get louder each block I stride, I close in on you, the machete’s eager for severed flesh and bone; I salivate, no longer the feeble victim; your three words, “Ted Black’s Shit” repeated countless times, every time I awake, every time I piss, every time I eat, every time I brush my teeth, every time I read email, every time I wipe my ass, every time I sit and watch trees blow in the wind, every time I dress, every time I read, every time I stream movies, times when I have sex with myself, but I can’t cum, the surveiller going, “Ted Black’s Shit” and impedes my ejaculation; it will soon end, this town’s folks all complicit.

The streets deserted, I speed-walk, your inhuman voice ferocious, disastrous, and sinister, I hear your vilification, you want me disgraced, but I yield to no one; I hear it from an open garage, one old man, maybe eighty-five, putters with a lawn mower---it could have been the mayor, fire chief, a psychiatrist, the town’s most lovable homeless person, but I choose granddad.

I pull out Blackie, walk up to him from behind, then swing with all my strength the machete down upon his pink, bald head, and cleave his skull, more overhead chops, the head split like the cantaloupe I ate for breakfast, then I swing my blade across his neck, what joy, what relief, what happiness; still not satisfied, I hack his arms off, first at the elbow, then shoulders, then legs, sprouting red borscht after a while; it takes a long and muscular time, then off go his testicles, his penis, I grope his innards, cutting out organs, blood spreads across the cement floor like the river of creation, I a reality-bringer to shittown.

If that computerized voice comes back with it’s singular hatred toward me, I and Blackie will return---I’ll lop off more heads.

The next day, when I wake up, a man stands near my bed. He is well over six feet tall, wears a dirty white trench coat, cloudy goggles conceal his eyes, though thin trickles of blood from both eyes make me think of yesterday. His bluish hair stands upright as if he’d seen the edge of the universe and it brought him greater fear known to Homo sapiens since we first walked the earth. His hand touches my face, long fingernails lightly scrape my lips, and squeezes them as if he has the strength of a machine vise on a rotary table. I didn’t bleed. He opens his trench coat, spreading it wide like vulture wings; all sorts of gadgets in pockets, some known to me, others strange as if he had them custom made.

He takes the coat off and it thuds on the floor. I’m the guy with the voice, you know how it goes, ‘Ted Black’s Shit’. Why are you here and what do you want with me?

These tools, instruments of the black arts, I don’t use anymore. Outdated and only blockheads use.

So? Are you calling me a blockhead?

Machetes are for older generations. How old are you?

Over Ninety-six.

He takes off his goggles, and looks at me. Hard. Penetrating. God eyes.

Cagey, aren’t we. Your enigma, you want to pretend that you’re the wisest man the earth as ever known.

When you’ve done nothing in life to amount to anything, when you’ve sat for days at a stretch staring into empty space, when you’ve never hungered for anything, this is how you look.

Why butcher that old man?

I need one true thing done in my life before I go. I did hear you spew that automated hate machine, and I did need a sacrificial dead human being to live just one more day.

So, you think I’ve come to end your life in spite of your claim you’ve only one day left. Right?

Do what you must.

I’m not dreaming. My consciousness hasn’t been more acute, its antennae reaches out as the sun brightens the room. I feel like Apollo, god of light and sun, god of healing and truth. The man knows I’m invincible, and as he leaves, he hears me say:

You’re just shit to me.


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I live in Northern California.
I've stopped making much sense long ago. But I do like Tom Waits, Bartok quartets, Don Winslow, Jonathan Letham, Joyce Carol Oates and Christina Stead.
In my spare time I have more spare time.
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