Contributor: Paul Tristram
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Radio Riot F.M. (Session 1)
“Whey-hey, and welcome motherfuckers!
You’ve just tuned in to Radio Riot F.M.
The newest, greatest pirate radio station in town
And I’m your host, the Chickenshit Turkey.
After our first song, we’re going to be doing the weather forecast,
By the time that’s finished I want some of you to have called in for a chat,
A request or something like that.
Hey, can you dig my shit man, I’m a motherfucking poet.
Anyway, here’s our phone number, its 01639 8264.
And remember calls cost between 38 and 40 pence a minute,
So if your parents don’t approve of those kinds of prices kids,
You’ll just have to wait until they nip off for a shite.
Well, here we go with the first song of the show and it’s….
Wait for it.
Paranoid by Black Fucking Sabbath.
Yeah alright, you’re just too much Ozzy baby,
Just too motherfucking much!”
“Whey-hey, the Chickenshit Turkey here again and you’ve just been listening to the Sabbath, gonna kick straight into the weather forecast now, so here goes.
There’s motherfucking rain and wind and shit, every fucking where today.
So stay in the god damn house, O.K. cocksuckers.
Because that shit’ll kill ya!
Can you dig what I’m saying fuckface, eh!
Everybody stay in and get pissed right up, yeah alright.
That’s unless your motherfucking arse is ugly.
If your motherfucking arse is ugly, get out there, you deserve the motherfucking rain and wind and shit.
I hope it gets ya Medusa fuckers good, real good!”
R-r-r-r-ing, ring, R-r-r-r-ing, ring.
“Hey, there’s our first phone call of the show.
Yo, motherfucker, you’re on air with the Chickenshit Turkey,
What can I do for you?”
“Hi, this is Tony; I’d like to make a request!”
“Oh yeah, Tony, what kind of fucking request do you want, eh, what do you think I am, motherfucking psychic?”
“No, no, sorry Mr Turkey!”
“Hey, don’t you Mr fucking Turkey me, it’s the Chickenshit turkey, Jesus H Christ, what’s up with you motherfuckers out there?”
“Well, I’m sorry Chickenshit Turkey; I was just trying to be polite!”
“Listen Tool, or whatever the fuck you said your name was, just get on with the request, you twat!”
“Oh, O.k. well, I’d like to request The Lady In Red by Chris De Burg, for me and my fiancée Judy, it’s our song!”
“You fucking what, your song, wait a minute, is that her I can hear giggling in the back round?”
“Yes, yes it is!”
“Hey, she sounds quite horny, although not quite fulfilled; say is she in need of a few extra inches, cos she fucking sounds like she’s missing ‘em?
I could always come over and brush out those cobwebs which you can’t reach, eh, what you think Tool?”
“No!”
“What, is that it, just a simple fucking no?”
“Yes!”
“Well, listen here Tool, you motherfucker, I was just trying to be helpful, I bet she looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp anyway. And as for your pathetic request, man I spit on it, man I fucking piss on it, The Lady in Red, shit, I’d rather fuck cacti than play that bunch of fucking vomit on this station.
You’ve got absolutely no fucking taste whatsoever and the only treatment that I would advise for this is a suicide pact between you and your stinking mattress, what’s her name again?
Broody, or something stupid like that, isn’t it, but I’m feeling charitable today so I’ll play something for the two of you dirty bastards anyway!”
“O.K. listeners, this next fucker’s for Tool and Broody.
And it’s…..wait for it.
Smack my bitch up by The Prodigy.
So I’ll see you at the other side of that, O.K. fuckers.
And remember kids.
Alcohol is not funny.
I repeat (Belch!)
Alcohol is not funny.
Unless you add some cocaine.
Whey-hey.
See you all in a couple of minutes.
Cocksuckers!
Radio Riot F.M. (Session 2)
“Whey-hey and welcome motherfuckers!
You’ve just tuned into Radio Riot F.M.
The greatest pirate radio station in town.
And I’m your host, the Chickenshit Turkey.
After our first song we’ll be chewing the female fat with a special guest.
Erm, what’s your name love?”
“Germolene Sneer, its Germolene Sne...”
“Oh yeah, Germolene Sneer from the women’s liberation movement is in the Stud-io with us and I just hope that she doesn’t plan on liberating any of her movements in here, we’ve got no air-conditioning for fuck sake.
By the way, don’t any of you bastards think about phoning in,
I want this one all to myself!”
“Hmm mm, Turkey!”
“Yo, shut up bitch, you’ll have your chance to do your shit in a minute, I’m working here, are you blind, motherfucking working?
So here’s our first song of the show
And it’s…..wait for it…..
Sweaty Betty by The Macc Lads.
Yeah alright, where’s me chips n’ gravy?”
“Whey-hey, the Chickenshit Turkey here again and you’ve just been listening to The Macc Lads, great bunch of guys.
Anyway we’ve got Germolene Sneer in the studio, you’re live on air, baby!”
“I don’t believe it, what was that record that you were just playing, it was the biggest pile of male chauvinistic propaganda that I have ever had the misfortune of hearing,
I think…”
“Yeah, I’m sure you do, and I’m glad you liked the song.
So what’s your beef with men, eh?
Are you sick of sleeping on the wet patch?
You not getting enough length?
I mean what’s up, a couple of nasty diseases?
What’s making you so bitter, bitch?”
“Bitch, bitch, don’t call me bitch you uneducated faggot, my god, I lecture at a university, I have published books to my name, I am a regular guest on intelligent television programmes, I’m respected in high circles, I’m a hero to all feminists, I’m…”
“Jesus Christ, you’re just like all the lasses I know, ya love to show off and you love to rub it in, but ya all look the same in the sack, don’t ya eh, all ya need’s some beef, love!”
“I shall be calling my solicitor as soon as I leave this place, you ill mannered baboon!”
“Yeah, he’s got ta beef ya needs, has he, eh?”
“Look you can be crude all that you like, you will not get the better of me, I’m far too superior, but I did think that we would be talking about feminism and…”
“Yo, hold on a minute, I feel another song coming on yee-ha motherfuckers!
Quite a good guest isn’t she?
I know you can’t see her but she’s kinda cute in an untidy sort of way,
Hey, I’ve got half a trunk on.
Anyway, this next song is dedicated to her over there.
Yeah, that’s you Sneer Baby.
And it’s…. wait for it….
Only Women Bleed by Alice fucking Cooper, yeah!”
“Whey-hey, the Chickenshit Turkey here again and you’ve just been listening to Alice Cooper.
Yo, Germolene, what do you think about fist fucking?
Do you reckon it’s all down to knuckle structure?”
“Right, that’s it, I’ve got nothing else to say to you, you sexist pig, let me plug my new book and then I shall leave, I have never been so insulted in all of my life!”
“Fuck you!”
“Pardon?”
“Fuck you!”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean Fuck You, you ain’t getting to plug your book, get the fuck out, now!”
“But-but-but you cannot simply throw me out, I’m Germolene Sneer, feminist icon, I’m supposed to walk out in a screaming fit of indignation on behalf of my fellow sisters.
I can’t be thrown off a pirate radio station by a man, I’ll never live it down!”
“Well, you can take that extra rib and barrel yourself stupid, but ya ain’t plugging no fucking book of toilet-paper on this station, unless I say so, O.K.!”
“Oh!”
“Now, you wanna plug your book?”
“Yes, I would!”
“O.K.. there are two conditions, the first is that you give me head and ya give me head right now live on air, the second is you wash the coffee cups after the show.
Ya dig what I’m saying, girlie?”
“I can’t possibly do that!”
“And that was Germolene Sneer Everybo…”
“Wait, O.K., O.K., the things that I do for womanhood.”
“Fuck womanhood, I wanna see what you’re gonna do for my manhood, take a look at this fucking monster baby.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipppppppppppppppp!
Don’t worry I had it washed on Tuesday.”
“Oh dear!”
“HaaAAaa, oh yeah, I know it’s big but try for the whole length, yeah that’s it.
Hey, you’re quite deep throated for a fucking snob, ain’t ya?
You’re getting aroused love, ain’t ya?
You’re getting wet, I can fucking smell ya from here, turn around a bit and I’ll slip a thumb in, yeah!”
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzziiiiiiiiiiiiiippppppppppppppppp!
“Whey-hey listeners, the Chickenshit Turkey here with my new bitch Germolene Sneer.
It’s nearly time for you to go, you got any words of wisdom for our listeners before ya go do the pots and pans, Sneer?”
“I feel sick, I think I am going to vomit.”
“Well, ya swallowed the fucking lot, didn’t ya, you fucking nympho, I doubt there’s a single drop of muck left inside me.
That’ll teach ya, you greedy pig, when I pump it out I really pump it out, oh yeah!”
“O.K. listeners, Germolene’s gone ta do the fucking dishes and I need a motherfucking cigarette, so we’ll play our intro music once again and I’ll see ya all after that, O.K. fuckers!
And remember kids.
A wife is for life,
Not just for Christmas.
Whey-hey, see you all in a couple of minutes, cocksuckers!”
- - -
Paul Tristram is a Welsh writer who has poems, short stories and sketches published in many publications around the world, he yearns to tattoo porcelain bridesmaids instead of digging empty graves for innocence at midnight, this too may pass, yet.
Read more »
- -
Radio Riot F.M. (Session 1)
“Whey-hey, and welcome motherfuckers!
You’ve just tuned in to Radio Riot F.M.
The newest, greatest pirate radio station in town
And I’m your host, the Chickenshit Turkey.
After our first song, we’re going to be doing the weather forecast,
By the time that’s finished I want some of you to have called in for a chat,
A request or something like that.
Hey, can you dig my shit man, I’m a motherfucking poet.
Anyway, here’s our phone number, its 01639 8264.
And remember calls cost between 38 and 40 pence a minute,
So if your parents don’t approve of those kinds of prices kids,
You’ll just have to wait until they nip off for a shite.
Well, here we go with the first song of the show and it’s….
Wait for it.
Paranoid by Black Fucking Sabbath.
Yeah alright, you’re just too much Ozzy baby,
Just too motherfucking much!”
“Whey-hey, the Chickenshit Turkey here again and you’ve just been listening to the Sabbath, gonna kick straight into the weather forecast now, so here goes.
There’s motherfucking rain and wind and shit, every fucking where today.
So stay in the god damn house, O.K. cocksuckers.
Because that shit’ll kill ya!
Can you dig what I’m saying fuckface, eh!
Everybody stay in and get pissed right up, yeah alright.
That’s unless your motherfucking arse is ugly.
If your motherfucking arse is ugly, get out there, you deserve the motherfucking rain and wind and shit.
I hope it gets ya Medusa fuckers good, real good!”
R-r-r-r-ing, ring, R-r-r-r-ing, ring.
“Hey, there’s our first phone call of the show.
Yo, motherfucker, you’re on air with the Chickenshit Turkey,
What can I do for you?”
“Hi, this is Tony; I’d like to make a request!”
“Oh yeah, Tony, what kind of fucking request do you want, eh, what do you think I am, motherfucking psychic?”
“No, no, sorry Mr Turkey!”
“Hey, don’t you Mr fucking Turkey me, it’s the Chickenshit turkey, Jesus H Christ, what’s up with you motherfuckers out there?”
“Well, I’m sorry Chickenshit Turkey; I was just trying to be polite!”
“Listen Tool, or whatever the fuck you said your name was, just get on with the request, you twat!”
“Oh, O.k. well, I’d like to request The Lady In Red by Chris De Burg, for me and my fiancée Judy, it’s our song!”
“You fucking what, your song, wait a minute, is that her I can hear giggling in the back round?”
“Yes, yes it is!”
“Hey, she sounds quite horny, although not quite fulfilled; say is she in need of a few extra inches, cos she fucking sounds like she’s missing ‘em?
I could always come over and brush out those cobwebs which you can’t reach, eh, what you think Tool?”
“No!”
“What, is that it, just a simple fucking no?”
“Yes!”
“Well, listen here Tool, you motherfucker, I was just trying to be helpful, I bet she looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp anyway. And as for your pathetic request, man I spit on it, man I fucking piss on it, The Lady in Red, shit, I’d rather fuck cacti than play that bunch of fucking vomit on this station.
You’ve got absolutely no fucking taste whatsoever and the only treatment that I would advise for this is a suicide pact between you and your stinking mattress, what’s her name again?
Broody, or something stupid like that, isn’t it, but I’m feeling charitable today so I’ll play something for the two of you dirty bastards anyway!”
“O.K. listeners, this next fucker’s for Tool and Broody.
And it’s…..wait for it.
Smack my bitch up by The Prodigy.
So I’ll see you at the other side of that, O.K. fuckers.
And remember kids.
Alcohol is not funny.
I repeat (Belch!)
Alcohol is not funny.
Unless you add some cocaine.
Whey-hey.
See you all in a couple of minutes.
Cocksuckers!
Radio Riot F.M. (Session 2)
“Whey-hey and welcome motherfuckers!
You’ve just tuned into Radio Riot F.M.
The greatest pirate radio station in town.
And I’m your host, the Chickenshit Turkey.
After our first song we’ll be chewing the female fat with a special guest.
Erm, what’s your name love?”
“Germolene Sneer, its Germolene Sne...”
“Oh yeah, Germolene Sneer from the women’s liberation movement is in the Stud-io with us and I just hope that she doesn’t plan on liberating any of her movements in here, we’ve got no air-conditioning for fuck sake.
By the way, don’t any of you bastards think about phoning in,
I want this one all to myself!”
“Hmm mm, Turkey!”
“Yo, shut up bitch, you’ll have your chance to do your shit in a minute, I’m working here, are you blind, motherfucking working?
So here’s our first song of the show
And it’s…..wait for it…..
Sweaty Betty by The Macc Lads.
Yeah alright, where’s me chips n’ gravy?”
“Whey-hey, the Chickenshit Turkey here again and you’ve just been listening to The Macc Lads, great bunch of guys.
Anyway we’ve got Germolene Sneer in the studio, you’re live on air, baby!”
“I don’t believe it, what was that record that you were just playing, it was the biggest pile of male chauvinistic propaganda that I have ever had the misfortune of hearing,
I think…”
“Yeah, I’m sure you do, and I’m glad you liked the song.
So what’s your beef with men, eh?
Are you sick of sleeping on the wet patch?
You not getting enough length?
I mean what’s up, a couple of nasty diseases?
What’s making you so bitter, bitch?”
“Bitch, bitch, don’t call me bitch you uneducated faggot, my god, I lecture at a university, I have published books to my name, I am a regular guest on intelligent television programmes, I’m respected in high circles, I’m a hero to all feminists, I’m…”
“Jesus Christ, you’re just like all the lasses I know, ya love to show off and you love to rub it in, but ya all look the same in the sack, don’t ya eh, all ya need’s some beef, love!”
“I shall be calling my solicitor as soon as I leave this place, you ill mannered baboon!”
“Yeah, he’s got ta beef ya needs, has he, eh?”
“Look you can be crude all that you like, you will not get the better of me, I’m far too superior, but I did think that we would be talking about feminism and…”
“Yo, hold on a minute, I feel another song coming on yee-ha motherfuckers!
Quite a good guest isn’t she?
I know you can’t see her but she’s kinda cute in an untidy sort of way,
Hey, I’ve got half a trunk on.
Anyway, this next song is dedicated to her over there.
Yeah, that’s you Sneer Baby.
And it’s…. wait for it….
Only Women Bleed by Alice fucking Cooper, yeah!”
“Whey-hey, the Chickenshit Turkey here again and you’ve just been listening to Alice Cooper.
Yo, Germolene, what do you think about fist fucking?
Do you reckon it’s all down to knuckle structure?”
“Right, that’s it, I’ve got nothing else to say to you, you sexist pig, let me plug my new book and then I shall leave, I have never been so insulted in all of my life!”
“Fuck you!”
“Pardon?”
“Fuck you!”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean Fuck You, you ain’t getting to plug your book, get the fuck out, now!”
“But-but-but you cannot simply throw me out, I’m Germolene Sneer, feminist icon, I’m supposed to walk out in a screaming fit of indignation on behalf of my fellow sisters.
I can’t be thrown off a pirate radio station by a man, I’ll never live it down!”
“Well, you can take that extra rib and barrel yourself stupid, but ya ain’t plugging no fucking book of toilet-paper on this station, unless I say so, O.K.!”
“Oh!”
“Now, you wanna plug your book?”
“Yes, I would!”
“O.K.. there are two conditions, the first is that you give me head and ya give me head right now live on air, the second is you wash the coffee cups after the show.
Ya dig what I’m saying, girlie?”
“I can’t possibly do that!”
“And that was Germolene Sneer Everybo…”
“Wait, O.K., O.K., the things that I do for womanhood.”
“Fuck womanhood, I wanna see what you’re gonna do for my manhood, take a look at this fucking monster baby.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipppppppppppppppp!
Don’t worry I had it washed on Tuesday.”
“Oh dear!”
“HaaAAaa, oh yeah, I know it’s big but try for the whole length, yeah that’s it.
Hey, you’re quite deep throated for a fucking snob, ain’t ya?
You’re getting aroused love, ain’t ya?
You’re getting wet, I can fucking smell ya from here, turn around a bit and I’ll slip a thumb in, yeah!”
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzziiiiiiiiiiiiiippppppppppppppppp!
“Whey-hey listeners, the Chickenshit Turkey here with my new bitch Germolene Sneer.
It’s nearly time for you to go, you got any words of wisdom for our listeners before ya go do the pots and pans, Sneer?”
“I feel sick, I think I am going to vomit.”
“Well, ya swallowed the fucking lot, didn’t ya, you fucking nympho, I doubt there’s a single drop of muck left inside me.
That’ll teach ya, you greedy pig, when I pump it out I really pump it out, oh yeah!”
“O.K. listeners, Germolene’s gone ta do the fucking dishes and I need a motherfucking cigarette, so we’ll play our intro music once again and I’ll see ya all after that, O.K. fuckers!
And remember kids.
A wife is for life,
Not just for Christmas.
Whey-hey, see you all in a couple of minutes, cocksuckers!”
- - -
Paul Tristram is a Welsh writer who has poems, short stories and sketches published in many publications around the world, he yearns to tattoo porcelain bridesmaids instead of digging empty graves for innocence at midnight, this too may pass, yet.
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Paul Tristram
