Contributor: Sam Bernhofer
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Dieter fucked his hand while his girlfriend Andrea was in class.
Three years ago, Dieter and Stephanie broke up.
Two weeks after that, Dieter was in a relationship with Andrea.
“It’s not official until you change your relationship status on Facebook.” Andrea told Dieter.
He used shaving cream.
He rushed.
He thought of nothing really.
Maybe it was the memory of Stephanie, five months earlier, changing in front of him so confidently only minutes after seeing him for the first time in two years that got it done.
Six months earlier while Dieter was still with Andrea, he had sent Stephanie an anagrammed poem about her and she said
“Keep telling me.”
Stephanie was the catalyst Dieter needed to leave Andrea, “For good this time.”
“When are you coming to see me…” she said.
He went.
He ruined Andrea.
He drove to her apartment one hour away.
When Dieter came, he hardly released anything out.
It stung.
That night he went over hers, Stephanie moved Dieter’s fingers to the cuts on her legs that she gave herself.
“Did I put those there?” Dieter asked, arrogantly,
and not sure
if genuinely.
Stephanie fell asleep.
Dieter stayed up all night and kept everyone’s fluids in their bodies.
“How many times do I have to tell you I need you in my life before you believe me? Need I record it to a cassette tape so you can rewind it and play it for yourself until it’s true to you?” she said to him later that summer.
“I’m pretty easy to keep around.”
Caveman.
He wiped off onto Andrea’s bedsheets – their bedsheets.
It was the end of winter.
Dieter was attempting to occupy his mind with Andrea.
Dieter is Andrea’s Stephanie.
Dieter was Andrea’s first.
Andrea and Dieter have sex once every week for 25 minutes including foreplay.
The very first time Dieter and Andrea hung out, it was early March and she said, “I can’t remember the last time I shaved my legs!”
Andrea always talked in friendly exclamation points.
Making out with morning breath for 1 minute.
“Let me shave them for you.”
Andrea gave an innocent head nod which was her entire being, and went to the bathroom to get shaving equipment.
“I’m out of shaving cream. Use this lotion!” she said.
“I forgot you could use that.”
Fingers shoved in and out of her dry vagina for 1 minute.
“Go ahead” she said in a very un-Stephanie way.
“I hope I don’t make you bleed” Dieter said.
Rubbing her legs, he felt that he should have been more aroused.
He started to stroke delicately against the grain.
Long stalks of hair got caught in the blade.
Painful dick tugging for 15 seconds.
A few more strokes, the razor broke.
“I have another, hold on.”
Insertion.
Missionary for about 10 minutes.
All on the floor of her bedroom with a towel under them.
He wiped lotion on his hand and went to work with his new razor.
Hair was flying everywhere.
Both of their minds started to wander.
Dieter stabbed her with the razor and felt it all start to come out.
Everyone’s losing interest.
“It’s ok, keep going.”
Dieter’s razor went completely through her flesh.
Legs over shoulders for 3 minutes.
Andrea’s blood was flowing all over the floor.
Dieter was amazed.
Andrea grinned and said, “It’s ok, this usually happens.”
“I know, sorry.”
She grabbed the exploded razor and started stabbing her legs all over to make Dieter feel better.
Dieter laughed whole-heartedly.
“Am I doing a good job?” He asked Andrea.
Missionary for around 9 minutes.
“You’re doing a good job, I’m just better at doing this myself.”
“I figured as much.” He said.
“Don’t feel bad, It’s not like I could shave your beard the way you’d like!” Andrea said.
“Yeah, that’s definitely true. I don’t like shaving anyway, though.”
“Good, I like your scruff!” she said, and started mopping up her blood.
Dieter ripped his beard off.
Failing at emotional favors.
Happier than can be.
Everyone finishes each other off, eventually.
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I'm Sam Bernhofer, 23, counselor of the developmentally disabled, obsessive hair-puller, midwesterner.
Read more »
- -
Dieter fucked his hand while his girlfriend Andrea was in class.
Three years ago, Dieter and Stephanie broke up.
Two weeks after that, Dieter was in a relationship with Andrea.
“It’s not official until you change your relationship status on Facebook.” Andrea told Dieter.
He used shaving cream.
He rushed.
He thought of nothing really.
Maybe it was the memory of Stephanie, five months earlier, changing in front of him so confidently only minutes after seeing him for the first time in two years that got it done.
Six months earlier while Dieter was still with Andrea, he had sent Stephanie an anagrammed poem about her and she said
“Keep telling me.”
Stephanie was the catalyst Dieter needed to leave Andrea, “For good this time.”
“When are you coming to see me…” she said.
He went.
He ruined Andrea.
He drove to her apartment one hour away.
When Dieter came, he hardly released anything out.
It stung.
That night he went over hers, Stephanie moved Dieter’s fingers to the cuts on her legs that she gave herself.
“Did I put those there?” Dieter asked, arrogantly,
and not sure
if genuinely.
Stephanie fell asleep.
Dieter stayed up all night and kept everyone’s fluids in their bodies.
“How many times do I have to tell you I need you in my life before you believe me? Need I record it to a cassette tape so you can rewind it and play it for yourself until it’s true to you?” she said to him later that summer.
“I’m pretty easy to keep around.”
Caveman.
He wiped off onto Andrea’s bedsheets – their bedsheets.
It was the end of winter.
Dieter was attempting to occupy his mind with Andrea.
Dieter is Andrea’s Stephanie.
Dieter was Andrea’s first.
Andrea and Dieter have sex once every week for 25 minutes including foreplay.
The very first time Dieter and Andrea hung out, it was early March and she said, “I can’t remember the last time I shaved my legs!”
Andrea always talked in friendly exclamation points.
Making out with morning breath for 1 minute.
“Let me shave them for you.”
Andrea gave an innocent head nod which was her entire being, and went to the bathroom to get shaving equipment.
“I’m out of shaving cream. Use this lotion!” she said.
“I forgot you could use that.”
Fingers shoved in and out of her dry vagina for 1 minute.
“Go ahead” she said in a very un-Stephanie way.
“I hope I don’t make you bleed” Dieter said.
Rubbing her legs, he felt that he should have been more aroused.
He started to stroke delicately against the grain.
Long stalks of hair got caught in the blade.
Painful dick tugging for 15 seconds.
A few more strokes, the razor broke.
“I have another, hold on.”
Insertion.
Missionary for about 10 minutes.
All on the floor of her bedroom with a towel under them.
He wiped lotion on his hand and went to work with his new razor.
Hair was flying everywhere.
Both of their minds started to wander.
Dieter stabbed her with the razor and felt it all start to come out.
Everyone’s losing interest.
“It’s ok, keep going.”
Dieter’s razor went completely through her flesh.
Legs over shoulders for 3 minutes.
Andrea’s blood was flowing all over the floor.
Dieter was amazed.
Andrea grinned and said, “It’s ok, this usually happens.”
“I know, sorry.”
She grabbed the exploded razor and started stabbing her legs all over to make Dieter feel better.
Dieter laughed whole-heartedly.
“Am I doing a good job?” He asked Andrea.
Missionary for around 9 minutes.
“You’re doing a good job, I’m just better at doing this myself.”
“I figured as much.” He said.
“Don’t feel bad, It’s not like I could shave your beard the way you’d like!” Andrea said.
“Yeah, that’s definitely true. I don’t like shaving anyway, though.”
“Good, I like your scruff!” she said, and started mopping up her blood.
Dieter ripped his beard off.
Failing at emotional favors.
Happier than can be.
Everyone finishes each other off, eventually.
- - -
I'm Sam Bernhofer, 23, counselor of the developmentally disabled, obsessive hair-puller, midwesterner.
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Sam Bernhofer
